I haven’t been myself.

Spring is in sight – our neighborhood walk the other day verified as much, with daffodils starting to pop out of the ground and trees starting to push out buds. There’s a bit of sweetness in the air, though to many that’s probably just the damp smell of mud, and the sun is shifting. It’s the kind of thing I’ve been needing in my life, that exposure to nature and the great outdoors that has been kept from me all winter.

Today I’ve been pondering the garden, both the veggies and the flowers. The roses need trimmed, though I’m not sure yet if they even made it through the bitter cold winter (last year resulted in a lot of damage, so I don’t have high hopes for this year). We need to lay newspaper down in the walkways again of the veggie garden, and pile straw on top of that to combat weeds. I have seedlings starting in the basement finally, and I’m finally starting to get excited.

And that excitement has made me realize that I’ve not been myself. Not lately, at least. Last year the garden was half-assed because I was pregnant and not wanting to over-extend myself. Everything last year was focused on, rightfully, preparing for baby, having the baby, and adjusting to the baby. I’ve been missing myself, though. I can’t really explain it, and I know that motherhood has changed me as much as I hate to admit it. But I liked who I was before, and I miss me. These glimmers I get from time to time give me hope, though, that I’m not totally lost.

My postpartum depression is definitely going away, I can see that now. I’m getting urges to dig in the dirt, and bake, and make new things. All of which is something I’ve been lacking. Winter was hard enough without the depression. Now that spring is here I feel like I’m starting to crawl out from my own little hole and see the light.

I’ve been feeling a bit lost here with the blog. But I’m hoping now that the funk is leaving that I’ll be able to get back to what I used to. That I’ll be able to get back to pictures of the garden, that I’ll be able to get back to canning and baking and wine making and whatnot. Above all, I just want to get back to feeling like me and not whatever I’ve been these last few months.