Me – Page 10

Ushering in #28

July 3, 2012 Marie 1 Comment

Today I turned 28. I’m really not a fan of birthdays, but all-in-all so far today hasn’t been so bad. The niece and I have had quite the day so far. This morning I finished the icing for my birthday cake (I made Alicia’s go-to birthday cake recipe, though mine hasn’t turned out quite as pretty as her cakes always do), and then we got dressed and went to the fair to ride some rides and see some animals. After a very exhausting time going from this ride to that and fighting the ‘I wants’ we then hit the pool, where you can see I plopped myself on a lounger and read while I relaxed and soaked up some sun.

Overall, a nice way to usher in year 28. And now I feel like I need a nap, but there’s dinner to come up with and a house to clean before I have a little 4th of July shindig at the house (where there shall be more hanging out and swimming) tomorrow. And snacks to make for watching fireworks.

I think I’m going to need a vacation from my vacation. :-/

The 5k

May 28, 2012 Marie Leave a Comment

Ya’ll, I did it! I ran my first ever 5k! And it was awesome and amazing and miserable and hot all at the same time.

We woke up early and had to leave the house by 7am to meet up with my running buddies at the race site at 8am. It really ended up being too early – the race didn’t begin until 9am, and we had a lot of time to just sit around and hang out waiting for it to start.

At 8:53 we all began lining up behind the start line. The whole thing barely felt real, me standing there in a mass group of other runners. I thought I’d feel anxious, like I had butterflies in my stomach, but instead I was the total opposite. I was unusually calm. When the air horn blew to start the race I just went.

I ran. I walked. I ran a lot more than I walked. I was passed, and I passed people myself. As I ran I was choking back tears. I’ve wanted to run a 5k for so long. And I’ve worked so hard the last 10 weeks to keep pushing myself harder and harder to get to this point. And every time I relaxed and stopped worrying about my pace and just kind of took the whole thing in – the feel of the breeze, notice the bobbing heads in front of me, etc – I’d get choked up.

The first mile was okay. The fact that I can even run a solid mile at all is amazing considering I never could in high school. The second mile was rough, as was a part of the 3rd mile. But that last portion? I must have had some major huge adrenaline rush, because it felt like I found my second wind. I just kept going and kept going. And as soon as I turned the final corner and had the big finish line in my sights I pushed hard. I sprinted. I took these long, massive strides and just willed myself into going faster.

I depleted every last bit of energy I had left for that final push, and my reward came when I crossed the finish line: 39:03. Two days ago I ran around the neighborhood and timed in around 39:40, which means I just set myself up a new personal record!

I never thought I’d say this ever in my entire life: I can’t wait to do another race!!

Dreams

May 17, 2012 Marie Leave a Comment

As Fiona Apple sings: “I don’t go to sleep to dream.”

I don’t dream. Or if I do, I certainly don’t know it. Nights that I’m conscious of my dream(s) I don’t sleep well, and the dreams are never something nice/happy.

I’m a natural skeptic. I want to believe in something but I have a hard time believing in anything. But dreams… I tend to look into the meaning of my dreams. The dreams usually occur when I’m in serious need of some soul searching or some introspective “me” time.

With the things going on in life right now, it’s a good possibility my subconscious is trying to tell me something. There’s been a whirlwind of information thrown my way these last few weeks that has been difficult to process. It’s brought up a lot of buried emotions. A lot of anger. A lot of pain. A lot of bitterness. Things I thought were behind me.

And maybe it is… Someone told me once that you move on and learn to cope but it still hurts. It’s something that sticks with you. It’s part of who you are and what makes up you as a person. I’m who I am today because of my past. My strengths and insecurities. I have habits, behaviors, and attitudes that are rooted in that anger and pain – both good and bad.

I found old writings from that period of my life. They’re a big clue into what made me… Me. They’re also incredibly sad and slightly disturbing. I needed therapy, I received religious rhetoric instead. I didn’t need scriptures or speeches about how a god I didn’t believe in would fix me. And I certainly didn’t need to be told that I’m “beautiful on the outside, ugly on the inside.” I needed counseling. I needed someone to vent to who wouldn’t tell me all the reasons/ways I was wrong simply because those beliefs were contrary to what they believed.

It’s no wonder I so instinctively put up walls to protect myself, or that I am so reluctant to be myself around people.

Wet Jeans & Courage

May 4, 2012 Marie Leave a Comment

This picture probably doesn’t look like much. But from the knees down, my jeans are soaked.

Today I had a whole new experience: riding my motorcycle in the rain. I assure you it wasn’t intentional. And I worked myself up way too much over it throughout the day, dreading the moment I had to get back on the bike and face the music (or, rather, the raging storms that were blowing across my route home).

It took a lot of courage to get on that bike. And it took even more courage to start heading down the road. And then it took a whole new level of courage to not pull over as soon as the rain drops started pelting my face (Um, yeah, I need a new helmet. This little half one is great for around town, not for longer distances). And you know what? It wasn’t that bad! Nice, even!

The morning so far

April 25, 2012 Marie Leave a Comment

It’s not exactly gone as planned. It helps if you remember your ID badge so you can get into the office when you decide to go in early.