Sometimes I worry about what my stepson thinks and how he feels about his dad and I having a baby. I don’t know what, exactly, I think he thinks, but I always tend to imagine the worst. I mean, how awkward is it to be having a baby around the same time your stepson turns 20?! I try hard to not talk about the baby all the time when he’s around, even though it’s becoming increasingly difficult because my home life is consumed with baby stuff. I really just don’t want him to feel like he’s being replaced, or like he’s no longer important to me, because that’s totally not the case.
And then there are days like yesterday. The stepson was up for the weekend, as is our somewhat-usual every other week/every couple of weeks schedule, and helped the Mr take the twin bed down and then proceeded to help put the crib up. And helped me move it to where I wanted it. And then helped fix the fitted crib sheet that I was trying to get on the mattress, tucking it just so to make it look right. Little details that melt my heart and make me realize that I worry too much. Little details that show that he’s not as bothered by it as I think he is, and that maybe even he’s a little excited about a new sibling even though it’s certainly awkward.
The Little Mr’s nursery is slowly coming along, though far from complete. But, aside from my growing bump and the flutters and kicks, things are starting to feel a bit more real.
Monday. The day that felt like it would never come fast enough and, yet, did as life threw us one curve ball after another. Before I knew it I was sitting in the waiting room, practically bursting with excitement, anxious to get back to a room at the doctor’s office to have our anatomy scan done. When the ultrasound finally happened, I know my immediate thought was “holy sh*t, that actually looks like a baby!” – after all, just 14 weeks ago I was in the same room looking at a blob of who knows what sitting in what I was told was my uterus.
Early in the appointment the tech asked if we wanted to know what we were having. Of course I wanted to know – I’m a knitter, after all, and have grand plans for lovely hand knits for this kid. So she rolls the wand over to get in the right position and I just blurted out “thaaaat’s a penis” before she could even say anything. Laughs were had by everyone. There’s no mistaking it – we’re definitely having a boy!
I have to admit, I feel like I’m struggling a bit in keeping my identity lately. I’m not the type to talk baby 100% of the time, but it seems everyone wants to talk to me about baby 100% of the time. And I feel like I want to share things here going on in my life, which now will be including a baby, but I’m trying to find ways to balance everything – not ignoring what is going to be a huge portion of my life now, but also not ignoring everything else I am that makes me a person and human being outside of being a mother. I feel like this should be something totally do-able, I just haven’t figured out how yet.
Oh, happy happy day! Years ago, I took a scanner with me on a visit to my grandparents to get some copies of family photos. I wanted digital versions in case the originals ended up lost. I had a folder full of scans, and a set of papers with notes written down on who was in each photo.
At some point, the laptop I used crashed and I thought I pulled the images off before we reformatted it, but then I could never find them. All those family photos, gone in a second! I tried to be smart and had, at one point, uploaded them to a web server mine but, of course, forgot what domain I put them on.
…Until today. While doing some routine server maintenance, I logged in and found a folder full of the family photos! Hooray! I’m so overwhelmed with happiness here that they aren’t lost forever. I can no longer find my notes, so I’m not entirely sure who the man in this photo is (I think it’s my great grandfather, as he is holding two babies who look to be the same age and I know my great grandmother had several sets of twins). I don’t even care who they are, at this point, I’m just happy to have them back and know they’re not lost!
34 degrees and yet it feels almost spring-like after all those days of bitter below-zero cold. We were fortunate to not have pipes freeze, though so many I know in our neighborhood were not so lucky. This house is old, and a bit drafty, and it needs a lot of work… but it’s been good to us.
I haven’t felt very chatty, and have mostly been just occupying myself this winter. Pushing through. I’ve been playing with my new lace flyer for my spinning wheel and I’m completely in love with it. Banana bread was made, and some new art hung, and my niece stayed the evening with us, too. Not a lot going on around here, and we’re starting to get a serious case of cabin fever. It seems every time we have a free weekend it snows, and it snows a LOT. Which means no trips to Half Price Books or a nice dinner out for the first time in months.
On the bright side of it all, today marks the first day of February. Which means I get to reclaim my Mondays from my “regular” job and go back to being a 4-day-a-week employee. I can’t lie, the extra money has been really nice. But the extra work has really been a huge drain on me, mentally and creatively, and there’s really something to be said about choosing to earn less and therefore work less to live the life you want. And these last few months have really been a great reminder to me on that. The money may be nice, but long-term an extra day of pay is not worth ruining the balance I need in my life between work and my creative ‘play.’