Me

In pieces

June 8, 2015 Marie 1 Comment

I sometimes wonder when things will ever be ‘normal’ again. If I’ll ever feel normal again. Or if, at this point, there is no more normal. Our lives have changed a lot – not just the baby, but jobs, too. It’s a lot to deal with all at once, especially when you’re not really adjusting well in the first place. I feel broken. My life feels a bit broken. I love my son. I love watching him play and grow and learn new things. I love the clever little things he figures out, like that he can get the door to the upstairs open by shoving his hand between the door and the carpet and pulling (the door doesn’t latch, we have to shove a piece of paper between the door and the latch to wedge it shut). But I don’t love motherhood. Not, at least, in the way that I feel like I should. You won’t find me ever stating that my kid is the best thing to ever happen to me, which is a sentiment I know many parents have. That feeling just isn’t there. And, since so many parents feel that way, it makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me. Something wrong with the fact that I don’t think my child makes my life complete, or that I’m not feeling over-the-top in love with being a mom.

I feel like I need to apologize to you. I’m sorry this blog has become more about my own personal issues than what it used to be. I’m sorry I’m not baking and cooking and gardening and everything else that I used to do. I’m sorry that I’ve been such a huge downer throughout all of this. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

A knitting friend of mine told me over the weekend that she can tell when I’m having a bad day by my Facebook posts. Am I really that transparent? I guess so. I don’t purposely post up over there when I’m high or low, I just post what I post. But I guess there’s a pattern.

I feel like my life, right now, is like this bunny I’m knitting. Like it’s in pieces, and I’m trying to fix it and sew it together.

Easing back into routine

May 18, 2015 Marie Leave a Comment

We arrived home yesterday, much to my relief. By Saturday I was getting home sick and missing the baby, to the point where that night I packed as much as I could so we’d have less to do Sunday, and then Sunday morning we were up and out of the apartment by 9am. When we arrived homeI unpacked, did the week’s laundry, and soaked up all the snuggles I could get from the Little Mr. Today we’re easing back into our routine and I’m trying to prep my lunches for the week so I’m not tempted to eat out to make up for all the eating out we did over the last week.

Tomorrow it’s back to the daily grind. A little sad, but for the best. Routines are my favorite and while it was nice to have a break from routine it’s also nice to be able to go back to them with a fresh attitude so I can adjust them as needed.

More than a vacation

May 14, 2015 Marie 2 Comments

I had a lot of anxiety about this trip. I’ve never been to Chicago. I’ve never really been to a big city like this. Let alone the fact that I was going to be on my own for a large part of it while the husband is in a conference. We rarely traveled as a kid. I remember at one point we went to the Mall of America and my mom freaking out while my dad was driving as we drove through Chicago because my mom doesn’t deal well with traffic or big cities. So I suppose I had a lot of that anxiety transferred over to me. It didn’t help that, when my parents found out about this trip, I was told “Chicago isn’t a good place to be right now” – even at 30 years old my parents think I shouldn’t be off doing something on my own without… a man, I guess.

Anyway. I’ve been on my own both Wednesday and now today. I’ll be mostly on my own again tomorrow, though I get to travel the red line north to see my old high school friend. I’m happy to report that I haven’t yet been mugged, attacked, stolen from, etc. I’ve seen some things, and I’ve done some shopping. I got coffee at a shop on Michigan Avenue and sat on the patio and knit and watched the world go by. I sat this morning and knit at the Daley Plaza while watching people shop the local farmer’s market. I’ve been mostly unbothered by anyone. I feel like I’m just another Chicagoan, even though I’m not. Which is, really, kind of a big deal considering I’m a woman from a smallish town who rarely travels.

This trip, I’ve discovered, has been more than a vacation. Sure, it’s about seeing and experiencing new things, but it’s really been a lot more than that for me. It’s been a learning experience. I’m re-learning how to be on my own, something I haven’t had to be for many years. I used to be incredibly independent, but at some point – probably after years of being married – I lost that ability.

There’s also something about being away from all your things. I packed for the week with essentials: some clothes, toiletries, and knitting. The apartment we’re renting is very minimalist. The whole thing has me rethinking my entire life – just how much stuff do I need? How many clothes, how many shoes, how many decorative things, how many cooking utensils, etc do I really even need? I’ve constantly dreamed of being more of a minimalist and I feel like this week has given me the chance to live it more than I’ve had a chance to before. Do I really need all the things that I own? How often do I use it? Is it really worth spending the time to clean it, clean around it, organize it, etc? And how much of that time is being taken away from my time interacting with my environment – being out in the world rather than hiding at home from it?

Beyond seeing and doing new things, this trip has me completely re-evaluating my entire life.

Settling in unsettled

April 28, 2015 Marie Leave a Comment

I’m giving up hope on life settling down anytime soon. There’s just too much going on and I’m trying desperately to hold it all together (and feeling like I’m failing).

The husband took his interim job full time, which means we have to figure out what we’re doing as far as the business we run. 15 years of my life have been dedicated to half of our business – the idea of letting it go to someone else is hard. But it’s also one of those things that I don’t really want to do anymore. We constantly update the website and that means no real vacations without having to find WiFi and use our time to work instead of relaxing. We’re pulling double duty right now with jobs and it’s absolutely tough.
Any free time I have is spent clinging to something creative. Plain sock knitting has become by BFF because it’s mindless and, yet, productive. I’m slowly slowly slowly knitting my stash. I’ve latched on to sewing now, and this idea of creating my own handmade wardrobe. I don’t need more to do, but there’s something gratifying about the speed of sewing versus the time required to knit anything. The fact that an evening of work can very nearly give me a new tank to wear is highly appealing. I have two new things to show you all if I ever get time to photograph them.

I still haven’t repotted my garden seedlings. It’s usually the last thing on my mind at the end of the day. The weeds need pulled, newspapers laid down, etc in the garden but, again, time. They probably won’t even get planted in time. Or if they do, they’ll probably end up planted and dead while we’re on vacation. I wish I had someone local I could trust to come water them for me. I picked violets this year to steep and make jelly but right now the “tea” is sitting in ice trays in the freezer until I get around to it.

We’re buying a new car tomorrow. Well, I hope we’re buying it tomorrow. I don’t see why we’re not able to, other than I put a fraud alert on my credit after that Anthem insurance bullshit with all our information being accessed. They’re supposed to call to confirm I’m opening a new loan but I’m not sure I entirely trust that process. We need the new car ASAP – mine is falling apart and my necessarily fit for my long commute anymore. Plus we’re driving to Chicago next month…

Chicago. I’m kind of terrified. I’m a small town girl. I rarely travel. And, for the majority of the trip, I’m going to be on my own in this new big city while the husband is in a conference. I don’t know how to navigate public transportation because we don’t have that here. I don’t know what to do to occupy my time while solo. I’m also leaving the baby with my mom, which is adding to the stress. I need to not spend all my time in the apartment we rented via AirBNB. I found a yarn shop, but I know I shouldn’t spend all my time there, too. Every bit of my comfort zone is going to be stretched with this trip and that’s hugely scary.

The baby… is mobile. 8 months seems far too early for my kid to be not only crawling but also pulling himself up on things, getting down on his own, climbing stairs, etc. It’s all very exhausting.

The only thing to do is make peace with the fact that life is pretty non-stop right now, which is hard for a calm-loving homebody like me.

Zoo-ish (What can I say? I like birds.)

April 12, 2015 Marie Leave a Comment

We made a trip today to the zoo. I’m fortunate enough to live within easy driving distance to the fantastic Columbus Zoo. I don’t think I ever truly appreciated it until I went and visited other zoos elsewhere. We really do seem to have one of the best zoos, at least when it comes to Ohio – it isn’t like I’ve traveled elsewhere to see if there’s any other that compares.

It was the kid’s first trip and it went pretty much as expected – he’d rather chew on the wood at the displays and didn’t really care about the animals. It was busy, though, since it’s one of the nicer days we’ve had in a while on a weekend. We didn’t get to see the whole zoo, but I don’t mind because we got to see my favorite: the aviary. I know, I know – the zoo is packed full of other animals to see and ones probably more interesting than some North American birds. I can’t help it. I like birds. We have a zoo pass for the season, so I’ll probably try to go back on a weekday in hopes that it’s less busy so we can get closer. Maybe if we go a few times the Little Mr will get more into it?

This evening I’m going to cut into my fabric for my next Sorbetto. I wore my black one today under a green cardigan and I absolutely love how comfortable it is to wear, which really cemented my desire for MOAR TANKS! So here’s hoping this next one turns out as awesome as the first!