Me – Page 4

More than a vacation

May 14, 2015 Marie 2 Comments

I had a lot of anxiety about this trip. I’ve never been to Chicago. I’ve never really been to a big city like this. Let alone the fact that I was going to be on my own for a large part of it while the husband is in a conference. We rarely traveled as a kid. I remember at one point we went to the Mall of America and my mom freaking out while my dad was driving as we drove through Chicago because my mom doesn’t deal well with traffic or big cities. So I suppose I had a lot of that anxiety transferred over to me. It didn’t help that, when my parents found out about this trip, I was told “Chicago isn’t a good place to be right now” – even at 30 years old my parents think I shouldn’t be off doing something on my own without… a man, I guess.

Anyway. I’ve been on my own both Wednesday and now today. I’ll be mostly on my own again tomorrow, though I get to travel the red line north to see my old high school friend. I’m happy to report that I haven’t yet been mugged, attacked, stolen from, etc. I’ve seen some things, and I’ve done some shopping. I got coffee at a shop on Michigan Avenue and sat on the patio and knit and watched the world go by. I sat this morning and knit at the Daley Plaza while watching people shop the local farmer’s market. I’ve been mostly unbothered by anyone. I feel like I’m just another Chicagoan, even though I’m not. Which is, really, kind of a big deal considering I’m a woman from a smallish town who rarely travels.

This trip, I’ve discovered, has been more than a vacation. Sure, it’s about seeing and experiencing new things, but it’s really been a lot more than that for me. It’s been a learning experience. I’m re-learning how to be on my own, something I haven’t had to be for many years. I used to be incredibly independent, but at some point – probably after years of being married – I lost that ability.

There’s also something about being away from all your things. I packed for the week with essentials: some clothes, toiletries, and knitting. The apartment we’re renting is very minimalist. The whole thing has me rethinking my entire life – just how much stuff do I need? How many clothes, how many shoes, how many decorative things, how many cooking utensils, etc do I really even need? I’ve constantly dreamed of being more of a minimalist and I feel like this week has given me the chance to live it more than I’ve had a chance to before. Do I really need all the things that I own? How often do I use it? Is it really worth spending the time to clean it, clean around it, organize it, etc? And how much of that time is being taken away from my time interacting with my environment – being out in the world rather than hiding at home from it?

Beyond seeing and doing new things, this trip has me completely re-evaluating my entire life.

Settling in unsettled

April 28, 2015 Marie Leave a Comment

I’m giving up hope on life settling down anytime soon. There’s just too much going on and I’m trying desperately to hold it all together (and feeling like I’m failing).

The husband took his interim job full time, which means we have to figure out what we’re doing as far as the business we run. 15 years of my life have been dedicated to half of our business – the idea of letting it go to someone else is hard. But it’s also one of those things that I don’t really want to do anymore. We constantly update the website and that means no real vacations without having to find WiFi and use our time to work instead of relaxing. We’re pulling double duty right now with jobs and it’s absolutely tough.
Any free time I have is spent clinging to something creative. Plain sock knitting has become by BFF because it’s mindless and, yet, productive. I’m slowly slowly slowly knitting my stash. I’ve latched on to sewing now, and this idea of creating my own handmade wardrobe. I don’t need more to do, but there’s something gratifying about the speed of sewing versus the time required to knit anything. The fact that an evening of work can very nearly give me a new tank to wear is highly appealing. I have two new things to show you all if I ever get time to photograph them.

I still haven’t repotted my garden seedlings. It’s usually the last thing on my mind at the end of the day. The weeds need pulled, newspapers laid down, etc in the garden but, again, time. They probably won’t even get planted in time. Or if they do, they’ll probably end up planted and dead while we’re on vacation. I wish I had someone local I could trust to come water them for me. I picked violets this year to steep and make jelly but right now the “tea” is sitting in ice trays in the freezer until I get around to it.

We’re buying a new car tomorrow. Well, I hope we’re buying it tomorrow. I don’t see why we’re not able to, other than I put a fraud alert on my credit after that Anthem insurance bullshit with all our information being accessed. They’re supposed to call to confirm I’m opening a new loan but I’m not sure I entirely trust that process. We need the new car ASAP – mine is falling apart and my necessarily fit for my long commute anymore. Plus we’re driving to Chicago next month…

Chicago. I’m kind of terrified. I’m a small town girl. I rarely travel. And, for the majority of the trip, I’m going to be on my own in this new big city while the husband is in a conference. I don’t know how to navigate public transportation because we don’t have that here. I don’t know what to do to occupy my time while solo. I’m also leaving the baby with my mom, which is adding to the stress. I need to not spend all my time in the apartment we rented via AirBNB. I found a yarn shop, but I know I shouldn’t spend all my time there, too. Every bit of my comfort zone is going to be stretched with this trip and that’s hugely scary.

The baby… is mobile. 8 months seems far too early for my kid to be not only crawling but also pulling himself up on things, getting down on his own, climbing stairs, etc. It’s all very exhausting.

The only thing to do is make peace with the fact that life is pretty non-stop right now, which is hard for a calm-loving homebody like me.

Zoo-ish (What can I say? I like birds.)

April 12, 2015 Marie Leave a Comment

We made a trip today to the zoo. I’m fortunate enough to live within easy driving distance to the fantastic Columbus Zoo. I don’t think I ever truly appreciated it until I went and visited other zoos elsewhere. We really do seem to have one of the best zoos, at least when it comes to Ohio – it isn’t like I’ve traveled elsewhere to see if there’s any other that compares.

It was the kid’s first trip and it went pretty much as expected – he’d rather chew on the wood at the displays and didn’t really care about the animals. It was busy, though, since it’s one of the nicer days we’ve had in a while on a weekend. We didn’t get to see the whole zoo, but I don’t mind because we got to see my favorite: the aviary. I know, I know – the zoo is packed full of other animals to see and ones probably more interesting than some North American birds. I can’t help it. I like birds. We have a zoo pass for the season, so I’ll probably try to go back on a weekday in hopes that it’s less busy so we can get closer. Maybe if we go a few times the Little Mr will get more into it?

This evening I’m going to cut into my fabric for my next Sorbetto. I wore my black one today under a green cardigan and I absolutely love how comfortable it is to wear, which really cemented my desire for MOAR TANKS! So here’s hoping this next one turns out as awesome as the first!

The Sorbetto Tank (official handmade wardrobe piece #1)

April 11, 2015 Marie 2 Comments

I’m officially one step closer to crafting myself a handmade wardrobe! For the first time ever I’ve managed to make myself something that not only fits, but doesn’t look like a handmade nightmare. Hooray! (Please ignore that it needs ironed – I was too excited to try it on and see how it looks!) I’m feeling a bit more confident in my sewing after this project, and I’ve been spending far too much time looking at fabric and patterns for future projects.

I didn’t use some old vintage sheets after all and, instead, used some black broadcloth I had hanging around. I opted this time for only a partial pleat as I was worried that my wide hips would be too big for the tank if I kept it all the way through. I think now, though, that it would have been fine or that maybe if I just took it in an inch it would be better (not too wide, but not too tight). And I’m happy to report that I don’t notice the arm holes gaping like I did before – I think the bias tape helped a lot with taming that, but I could be wrong.

I want to make a bazillion of these in solid colors now – I can see myself layering these tanks under my blazers for work. I might play with the neckline a bit, though, and opt for a gathered neckline instead of pleated, or maybe omit it entirely and just grade it out with my hips to make it work. I don’t want to wear the exact same style all the time, but the lovely thing about this pattern is that it has a lot of options for customizing and modifying. Overall I’m crazy thrilled to be able to have something else to wear that I made. Learning to make things (both knitting and now sewing) gives me a huge amount of appreciation for the amount of time and money and skill that goes into the things we all wear on a regular basis.

I bought the Wiksten tank yesterday, so watch out for one of those to be popping on here soon! Though not until I’ve made a Sorbetto in my fancier fabric. :)

I haven’t been myself.

March 24, 2015 Marie 1 Comment

Spring is in sight – our neighborhood walk the other day verified as much, with daffodils starting to pop out of the ground and trees starting to push out buds. There’s a bit of sweetness in the air, though to many that’s probably just the damp smell of mud, and the sun is shifting. It’s the kind of thing I’ve been needing in my life, that exposure to nature and the great outdoors that has been kept from me all winter.

Today I’ve been pondering the garden, both the veggies and the flowers. The roses need trimmed, though I’m not sure yet if they even made it through the bitter cold winter (last year resulted in a lot of damage, so I don’t have high hopes for this year). We need to lay newspaper down in the walkways again of the veggie garden, and pile straw on top of that to combat weeds. I have seedlings starting in the basement finally, and I’m finally starting to get excited.

And that excitement has made me realize that I’ve not been myself. Not lately, at least. Last year the garden was half-assed because I was pregnant and not wanting to over-extend myself. Everything last year was focused on, rightfully, preparing for baby, having the baby, and adjusting to the baby. I’ve been missing myself, though. I can’t really explain it, and I know that motherhood has changed me as much as I hate to admit it. But I liked who I was before, and I miss me. These glimmers I get from time to time give me hope, though, that I’m not totally lost.

My postpartum depression is definitely going away, I can see that now. I’m getting urges to dig in the dirt, and bake, and make new things. All of which is something I’ve been lacking. Winter was hard enough without the depression. Now that spring is here I feel like I’m starting to crawl out from my own little hole and see the light.

I’ve been feeling a bit lost here with the blog. But I’m hoping now that the funk is leaving that I’ll be able to get back to what I used to. That I’ll be able to get back to pictures of the garden, that I’ll be able to get back to canning and baking and wine making and whatnot. Above all, I just want to get back to feeling like me and not whatever I’ve been these last few months.