Me – Page 5

The highs and lows.

January 15, 2015 Marie Leave a Comment

Postpartum depression is rough. I thought I knew what depression was. I’ve had times where I’ve been able to acknowledge that I’m depressed but it never seemed to get to the point of being a problem that needed dealt with. But I don’t know that I’ve ever truly grasped what full on depression can be like until being hit with PPD.

Some days I’m just trying to make it through the day. Others are bright silver linings in the big picture, days when I feel more like myself and things are going well and I’m happy and am doing the things I love. And then there are times where I just can’t. I can’t think, I can’t make decisions, I can’t be bothered to make dinner or knit or force myself to pretend to be okay.

I don’t ever know whether I should write these feelings out here or not. It’s so… public. And dealing with this seems so personal. There’s this nagging voice in my head telling me no one cares. I’m just another person in the world with money to spend on a domain and hosting and I’m not special. And there’s this tiny whisper of the voice of reason saying that, damn it, it’s my place to do whatever I wish. And that maybe others need to read that they’re not alone, and that they’re not the only one feeling this way. This internal struggle gnaws at me.

Ultimately, I want to put it here, so this is what you get to read. It’s not pretty, nor is it very interesting. But it’s also not fake, which is something I try to avoid. My life isn’t a magazine to be perfectly styled in photos with inspiring articles. My blog is not my business like it is for others. It’s real. And it’s painful. But it’s also beautiful and happy and wonderful (just at different times). Authentic.

We faked it

January 1, 2015 Marie 4 Comments

It’s the new year, and I probably should be writing about fresh starts and whatnot. Instead, I’m going to tell you that we faked Christmas pictures this morning. We woke up, put on our holiday pajamas we wore on Christmas morning, and we faked photos. See, we were so in the moment on the 25th that we totally forgot. I’m not sure how we managed to forget, but we did. And I was so, so upset about it – the baby’s first holiday and I didn’t have any photographic evidence of it.

I voiced my frustration online, and several friends told me they’ve done the exact same thing. They’ve just been so busy and overwhelmed with things going on – kids begging to open presents and such – that they totally forgot. I’m not alone, at least, which really does happen to make me feel better.

So we faked them. I’m told that in 15 years I won’t even remember we faked them, but I feel like I’ll still know. I know ultimately it won’t matter, though – I won’t be focused on the fact that we faked them, and I’ll instead be looking at how tiny and sweet my boy is here.

Goodbye holidays, hello new year

December 27, 2014 Marie 1 Comment

The holidays are officially over. I traditionally take down the decorations on New Years Eve/New Years Day, but I’m finding myself itching to take them all down this weekend and get my house back in order. It might have something to do with the fact that our dryer decided to stop working on Christmas so there’s laundry all around the house air drying. It also might have something to do with my readiness to just move on. I need the fresh start that the new year brings.

I had this post written out with all my plans for 2015, but Monday I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and now the only thing that seems important to work on is taking care of myself to fight the PPD and just, overall, survive. I still want to work on my list of plans, but those all have to be secondary. My main priority right now is to get back into running since exercising has always made me feel better and helped with the small bits of depression I’ve had off-and-on throughout my life. We’re probably going to re-join our local YMCA – winter in Ohio isn’t a horrible season to run so long as there isn’t snow and ice, so having the indoor track is going to end up being necessary. I want to get back to my 5k race days, and the only way that will happen is with a lot of hard work and dedication to training 3x a week.

(About the photo: my husband bought me a pizzelle iron for Christmas. They’re imperfect, but I’m getting better at it the more I use it)

Caroling, caroling

December 14, 2014 Marie Leave a Comment

There was a free holiday sing-a-long at the local theater today, so off we went and tucked ourselves into a small side aisle just in case we needed to dash out to the lobby with the baby if he started fussing. The afternoon was a mix of listening to the organists play on the old Wurlitzer and sing-a-long songs. The first one we sang was Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town and I had to fight back tears. I don’t know what, exactly, it was that made it happen, but I hit this super emotional wall and had to fight to maintain control or else I was going to be a sobbing mess and the other people around me would probably think I’m crazy.

I read this today, and I think I’m going to post it somewhere where I might see it a lot. I need to read this over and over again. I need to read it when I’m panicking about things not being perfect and just right. I need to read it when I try to make things perfect and they fail. Over, and over, and over again.

But this year while the world rushes around you, may you hold your sweet baby in your arms and realize that on this first Christmas, your baby will find no greater joy than in you. Because you are Mommy and you make everything beautiful just by being you.

Tomorrow… tomorrow I finish up wrapping presents. They’re not the handmade holiday gifts like I have always imagined I’d give – there’s no time with a job and a little one – but so far I can at least say that the holidays are shaping up, in other ways, just as I had long hoped and dreamed for.

Impossibly necessary

December 13, 2014 Marie Leave a Comment

We’re… what? 12 days away from Christmas? While I’ve had the urge to make ALL the things this holiday season, today has been the “oh shit” moment where I realize that I have 12 days to do it all in. Which is, really, more like 3 days considering during the week I have zero time to get anything done and I have to cram it in over the weekend. Everything feels absolutely, impossibly necessary this year for Declan’s first Christmas even though he won’t remember any of it. I know deep down I don’t have to do it all this year. Or next year, even. I have all these hopes and dreams for future holidays and it feels like it all rides on this very one. As if the homemade ornaments and new traditions will be less meaningful if I make them next year, or even the year after, instead of now.

Everything in general feels impossibly necessary for this little one. Not just holidays. Not just the ‘firsts.’ I want to do and make everything for him. I want to have all the holiday traditions. I want him to grow up with handmade gifts, homemade birthday cakes, and so much more. I have so many emotions tied to all of these ideas and I’m not sure, anymore, what is normal and what isn’t. I don’t feel like I know who I am anymore. When I look in the mirror I certainly look like me. But I don’t feel like I’m there anymore. I feel like I’ve been replaced with someone I don’t recognize. And I cry. A lot. It’s hard to explain and I’m not sure I could adequately describe what I mean if I tried. Adjusting to this new me has been, to say the least, hard. I think everyone around me has the idea that I’ve adjusted fabulously and that I’ve stepped into motherhood perfectly, and I guess I may give off that impression, but at least internally I’m still processing. Still thinking. Still trying to find the scraps of the old me and trying to find ways to merge them with this new life of mine. I always knew motherhood would be hard, but I expected it to be hard because you’re taking care of a helpless little baby – not because it throws everything you know about yourself into a blender and then you have to try to put the pieces back together.

I’ve had to, temporarily, stop reading a lot of blogs I usually love. The ones of other mothers. The ones who get to stay home with their children. The ones who make it seem so easy. I know life isn’t perfect, and I know that blogs are just a small snapshot and not wholly inclusive of all aspects of life. I know, I know, I know this. And, yet, I still manage to look at them and feel jealous and guilty and sad that my life isn’t theirs. And that’s not how you’re supposed to live your life – I’m not supposed to live someone else’s life. I’m supposed to live mine, and do what I can with it.

I need to focus on the things I have or can make time for, rather than focusing on my lack of time thanks to having to be a working mama. I need to let go of my perfectionism because I know ultimately it won’t matter if the handmade clay ornaments look awful: they’ll be precious anyway. I need to let go of feeling like I need to compete with other people, especially other moms. I need to figure out who I am under all these layers of new emotions, which feels like an impossible task right now. I don’t even know where to begin. Maybe I’ll never figure it out.

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